New and improved! Capable of up to 14 turds a day!

macie.pngFROM JASON’S FRESH NEW HELL — Wrapped in my big comforter Sunday morning, I was having a great, warm, sexy dream until 10:03 a.m.

That’s when my wife woke me by singing a little song, making up lyrics as she went along about how she wanted a little puppy friend to mother. My wife is insufferably cute, and she batted her eyelashes.

The next thing I knew, I was standing at the pet store adopting a stray puppy and holding $160 worth of food, chew toys, leashes, bedding, and caging. The little German shepherd/labrador mix slept in my arms all the way home, pushing its nose into my shoulder.

Then the pooping started.

shitted.pngYou’ll notice the ol’ blag was a little thin over the weekend. That’s because I spent it chasing the dog around and trying to convince it that turds belong on newspaper, not on hardwood floors and expensive, custom-made throw rugs. Apparently, my urgent pleas meant nothing, because two days later I have nearly exhausted my portable Bissell steam cleaner.

Let’s do a quick tally for Monday alone:

Number of times Macie (the wife picked the name) dooked on my floors: 8
Number of times Macie crapped on the newspaper: 3
Number of times Macie shat outside: 3
Total Macie dumps between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m.: 14
Additional Macie piddles on my rugs: 2
Number of times a cat vomited on the rug in the same period: 1
Number of times Macie tried to eat said cat puke before I could clean it up: 2
Yes, she’s cute. Yes, I hold her constantly. Yes, she watched three episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation with me today while she wasn’t dropping nuclear waste all over my house.

Yes, I am acting macho and complaining about training to cover up my non-manly feelings for a dog. Yes, I spent far too damned much time drawing that floor plan of my house.

Yes, here is another picture.


4 Responses to New and improved! Capable of up to 14 turds a day!

  1. Tom says:

    Hahaha! Good luck Jason. She is very cute.

  2. 4urpets says:

    I think you are feeding Macie too much food!

  3. […] Many of you will remember that my wife and I adopted Macy, the canine poop factory, a couple of months ago. Well, she’s potty trained now but demands a lot of attention these days because she’s teething and testing the house rules about which objects she may chew to ribbons. […]

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