Police records like these shouldn’t be so funny

paper.pngFROM JASON’S POLICE STATION ROUNDS — Some people can’t just keep their yappers shut, and it gets them into all kind of trouble. It’s incredibly scary for the victims of menacing and harassment crimes, sure.

But for a guy like me — who reads about 75 to 120 police reports a day — the records can be incredibly hilarious.

Here are a few gems I stumbled across this past week. The first one even made me laugh out loud; when I got back to the office, I felt compelled to do a dramatic reading for my co-workers:

1) The death threat rap

A 12-year-old boy was overheard saying he would hit his teacher with a baseball bat. When he was questioned, school authorities found the following linguistic masterpiece on his person:

“Yea Ms. [teacher] she’s a bitch im kick outta gym yea who gives a shit she keeps talking she will be layin in a ditch see ima a [expletive] crip and we don’t play no games we don’t have time ta dill wit u lames ill set yo house in flames dat money i make it rain she outta be a shame lock like a great Dane”

2) Domestic violence king fever

A woman found several messages on her voice mail which officers traced to the home of 40- and 50-year-old brothers. One was “invited” to make a trip to the police station. The report didn’t specify, but I can only imagine it was sung mack daddy style:

03:59: “I’m making best of your ass call the police hoe when I see you I’m [expletive] you up slut”

04:03: “you talking to the domestic violence king intimidation hoe we’re going to chill and fight with you wa wa”

04:07: “you are now listening to the voice of the domestic violence king we’re going to fight and chill in the wa wa”

04:10: “you’re now listening to the golden voice of the domestic violence king we’re going to fight and chill in the wa wa”

3) A love note gone wrong

A man’s romantic advances over a period of months were rebuffed by a woman at his church. She handed over to detectives about 10 e-mails. In them, the man first tries to cajole her, then complains about her lack of interest, goes back to weedling for her affection, and finally turns on her threateningly.

His final two messages are clownish in a Stephen King’s It kind of way:

Dec. 6: “I feel so incredibly foolish. Why should I even consider the possibility I could be part of an attractive women’s life? After all, who the [expletive] am I, right? Just another piece of [expletive] created to wreck [victim]’s life. I am tired of you [expletive] [expletive]es. And people don’t understand why I’m so angry? [Expletive] the whole bunch of you. You suck and so does your bull[expletive] god. I hope all of your dogs die in a barn fire, you black hearted [expletive].”

Dec. 7: “After I’ve applied a Glock treatment to the useless Bible you gave me. I will throw it out on your driveway. I won’t even write or speak to you again. I hope that you, your Bible comic book, and solid gold genitalia (sic) live happily ever after.”


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