“Your stupidity is terminal — now you’re cured.”
FROM JASON’S LA-Z-BOY — I have just seen the second coming of God, and it is the 2005 Sci-Fi Channel original movie Alien Apocalypse.
That’s right. This baby registered at 4.3 of 10 on the IMDB scale (an outrage! It should have been a 9!). I watched it Saturday morning and couldn’t tear my eyes away from the awesome badness: The gruesome delivery of lines, the Playstation-quality CG, the so-fake beards and prosthetic limbs.
Bruce Campbell, hero of Evil Dead 1 and 2 and Army of Darkness, is an osteophathic doctor sent to space on a 40-year mission (due to relativistic effects). There’s my first big beef with this masterpiece; the U.S. government sends a fake doctor on a high-profile trip to the stars.
When his ship returns, it finds Earth’s cities destroyed and the few people left enslaved to preying mantis-like aliens. The “mice” (as the slaves call them) are harvesting the world’s forests because — get this one — wood is like gold for them. Humans are their source of slave labor.
The humans have been conquered for about 20 years, have reverted to a cross between prospectors and cavemen, and tend not to live to be 30. That means most can’t remember any time before the alien occupation, what a handshake means, or what television is (someone asks
Ash Campbell about the last one, and he cuts them off: “None of your damn business!”).
Campbell has always wanted to be known as The Great Healer, so he manages to escape the aliens, trek to the mountains of the southern U.S. to find the president, and start a rebellion.
It’s during the epic confrontation with the slavers that he is saved from a missile by a pile of lumber, reverse-karate chops two aliens in the face, and proves that bows and arrows are far more effective than the weapons of an interstellar race.
Did I mention that the bug aliens speak perfect English? Or that they eat the heads of rebellious slaves?
Alien Apocalypse tries in some measure to be series, but just can’t pull it off. It’s far too clunky. The CG looks like it was made for a video game (in typical Sci-Fi Channel style) and Campbell delivers his lines with all the conviction he had on Jack of All Trades. It’s so groan-worthy that you can’t hate it; all you can do is revel in Josh Becker’s obvious self-loathing direction.
I can’t give this movie 3 stars, or 4, or even 5. Instead, I give it 20 golden turds. Bow before the might of Alien Apocalypse — many clips of which are available at this insane fan site.